Repairing Connections for Couples: The Dance
When we dance, we anticipate a time of synchronous joy with whom we partner with on the dance floor. If the music and atmosphere is right, then we typically free ourselves from doubts, take risks, and join our partner (despite our level of experience) and move to the rhythm. Ideally, we take turns leading, we may share new ideas or moves, and we allow our partners the freedom to make mistakes, but yet provide gentle feedback and direction. We accomplish this by trusting one another and being vulnerable in the presence of the other. However, at times we may desire to dance and our partner is unavailable, afraid to step on the dance floor, or has experienced failure, rejection, or injury that suggests to them that the dance floor is not safe. This may lead to disappointment or rejection for us, and we discontinue asking our partner to dance, and at times (in protest of the distance) discover ways to dance alone. This pattern is similar to what occurs in relationship dynamics when we become disconnected, and unfortunately when not addressed this becomes a self perpetuating cycle that often leads to resentment, loneliness, and despair. If this is familiar to you, Let’s Repair.
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Couple’s Therapy
Within our most precious relationships we experience a prewired sense, desire, or longing to connect, which is healthy because this innate drive allows us to face the world and all of its challenges knowing that when we return to our home-base we can seek and locate our beloved and receive comfort, support, and love. This is the basis of what is called secure attachment.
Unfortunately, our relationship experiences including those either current or previous romantic and within our family of origin influence our ability to trust, show vulnerability, express emotion, or empathize which hijacks our feelings and expressions of security. In which case become blocks to connection with our irreplaceable other, and prime the drama we seek most to avoid, thus experiencing insecure attachment.
When we assist couples with repairing their relationship, we do so from the lens of attachment by way of a therapeutic treatment approach called Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples (EFT). EFT primarily researched and developed by Dr. Sue Johnson, experientially assists couples with identifying, organizing, and communicating the emotional backdrop to their relationship drama that impedes secure attachment. This approach assists couples with de-escalating their negative patterns, reaching for and responding to one another in more vulnerable ways, and assist with connecting and bonding in more secure and deeper ways than previously experienced. Stemming from decades of current and past research, the EFT approach has shown significant success rates; even in 2 year follow ups of couples who have completed treatment.
